I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
