and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
