I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
