I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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