my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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