ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
