No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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