She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
