She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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