LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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