walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
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You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize