An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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