"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
