I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
