the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize