The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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