If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ketchup is God's man juice
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
