We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
