sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
