True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
