my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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