i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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