also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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