you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
