John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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