i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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