What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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