Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm too high and old for this...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
