dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
