I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
