I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
