listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
