I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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