one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
