Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
