she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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