im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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