I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
