just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
