she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
