Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
