He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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