I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the day after is always just damage control
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
