Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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