Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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