K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
