So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
