Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
