The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
even my farts smell like vagina
the day after is always just damage control
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
