You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
