I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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