i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
