I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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