I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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