I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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