I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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