im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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