This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
