I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
